Do you ever give thought to why you perceive someone else the way you do? It is not uncommon for people to try to color others in a bad way to cover up their own shortcomings. It's the centuries-old attitude of trying to make yourself look better by putting someone else down. It doesn't actually change anything for the better. It just means you are living in an illusion.  

If someone else punches your buttons, the first place you should look is at YOURSELF. Why do you think they are hard to work with? Could it be because their efforts are constantly reminding you that you are not meeting your obligations? Could it be that you are so identified with your opinions that you can't handle anyone calling any part of them into question? Is it that your ego is more important than the task at hand?

If you happen to wake up one day and realize that all your energy is going into defending your position or into attempting to direct attention away from your failings by attacking the person who is working hard to move forward, even without your help, maybe it's time to step outside your small self. Reassess and refocus your energy on the task you made a commitment to do. This is the only resolution that can produce a win/win for you and those around you.

A friend of mine who was doing a training run for a marathon in December made the mistake of looking back over his shoulder while he was running. Now he has a severely sprained ankle. It reminded me of what I have told people whom I have counseled for years: You can't move forward if you spend all your time looking over your shoulder.  Of course, I was speaking metaphorically, but it seems that it holds true in the physical world as well.

What does it mean to stop looking over your shoulder? Well, if you're in a relationship, it points to mentally comparing the current relationship to past ones, whether they were lousy or wonderful. Either way, it prevents you from being objective about the current situation.

Within a relationship, looking over your shoulder  refers to times when you're in a conflict with your significant other, and instead of dealing with what your feelings are at the moment, you spend all your time pointing out situations in the past to prove your point, a point that may cost you dearly in the relationship. Few relationships survive score-keeping.

Within your own psychology, looking over your shoulder refers to an emotional attachment to your past life experiences. If you are afraid to move forward, whether it's personally or career-wise, because your past experiences have never worked out well, then you are short-changing yourself. You should, of course,  intellectually assess what you may have overlooked in the past or what attitudes may have stood in your way. However, this should be done with the intent of moving forward, not wallowing in the past. This means that you leave the emotions attached to the past in the past.

So what are two important things to remember about this? 1) Make sure that all your thoughts regarding past experiences are viewed in terms of how they can best serve your current desire; 2) Stay clear of the negative emotions (anger, poor-me's, etc.) that are attached to your past experiences. This will not serve you in the present.

We've all met people we would have to classify as paranoid. There is no sacrosanct environment either. You can meet them at work, at church, in volunteer activities; even people you thought were your friends can suddenly start acting paranoid. Knowing this, what are a few of the things that are recognizable as paranoid behavior?

• The person doubts the commitment, loyalty, or trustworthiness of another, convinced that others are deceiving them. This could also be a form of projection where the person is actually uncommitted, disloyal, and untrustworthy themselves , and unable to accept this, they develop a self-created illusion whereby their heinous attitudes are projected onto the other person

• They read hidden meanings into innocent remarks or casual looks of others. They perceive the intentions of others to be in alignment with their own agendas rather than seeing them objectively.

• The person is unforgiving and holds grudges for imagined wrongdoings.

• The person is often controlling and jealous of others. This can be particularly apparent when working in groups where others display talents and abilities this person does not possess.

• They cannot see their role in problems or conflicts and believe they are always right. When cornered by logic or facts, they often deflect to a well-worn passive-aggressive stance of acting as if the other person is out of control or not being professional, notwithstanding their own indefensible position.

How do you deal with people like this? Of course, there is not one answer. It can depend on whether you are unable to make sweeping changes in your environment. If you can, it may be the best thing for your own mental health to walk away and go on with your life. If you can't make that choice, you will have to call into play other options. You can develop a way of interacting with such people.

• When you find yourself being accused, simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and walk away. It may not reduce their paranoia, but it will certainly reduce your stress level.

• When they read hidden meanings into your words, respond with "I'm sorry, how in the world did you come up with that impression?" When they offer their spiel, respond with "Gosh, I never intended that interpretation, and I wasn't trying to punch your buttons. I just didn't know you were so sensitive." Refuse to engage with their paranoia. 
  

• If you have a person who is unforgiving and holding grudges, you just have to walk around them and avoid interaction. You can't change their attitude; you can only give them more ammunition to fuel their imaginings.

• So many people like to be on committees at work and other places. However, it is rare when they are really prepared to do the work involved to complete the task at hand. It is common for one or two people to shoulder the burden. My husband went through a class project  in college that dealt with this very situation, and it proved that most only wanted to come to the meetings, but had no vested interest in doing the necessary work. Consequently, you have to decide to shoulder the burden or walk away. However, if you do shoulder the burden, you should be prepared to be the target of the arrows of those who did not. They attempt to assuage their guilt over doing nothing or their jealousy toward those who did the work by finding fault, nit-picking, and making false accusations.

• When confronted by a passive-aggressive personality, arguing with them is fruitless. Simply cut them off with "Please, spare me the platitudes." Then end the conversation by walking away. Of course, in today's world, such remarks are usually made by email; however, you can still respond the same.

I know you're probably saying at this point that all this seems a bit harsh. I used to think so, too. However, experience has taught me that such people are using you to feed their sickness, and as long as you allow it, they are draining you of your energy. They are energy vampires. They feed off of you. When you realize this, you have a choice: participate with them and get dragged down or find a way to cut off their food supply.

I don't want to be thought of as a survivor
because you have to continue getting involved in difficult situations
to show off that particular gift, and I'm not interested in doing that anymore.
 ~ Carrie Fisher

I have to say that Carrie Fisher's words resonate with me, and I'm sure they do with many others. If you've spent a lifetime "surviving," you feel that you can meet any challenge. Of course, this means that your mindset, your field of attraction, is about difficult situations—situations where you get to once again test your mettle. True, it can feel satisfying if you do survive, but what is the cumulative effect of all this struggling to survive?

Eventually, you start to wonder if your expectations of life have drifted off course. You start to crave the peace of mind that comes from not expecting everything to be a challenge to overcome. You try to demonstrate a new mindset, but it's difficult because the average of your thoughts is still stuck in being a survivor, and a survivor needs something to survive. Is that a kick in the head, or what?

So, how do you let this mindset go? One possibility is to accept that it is not necessary for you to "give" in every situation. Yes, survivors often get caught up in convincing themselves that they have to give everything they have or they're being exploitative of situations or people. Plus, the push to survive conjures up a tremendous amount of energy, and it has to go somewhere! It is not unusual for a survivor to burn themselves out in certain circumstances because they cannot find a place of harmony among those who feel no great responsibility to give and are perfectly happy to be on the receiving end of life.

Carrie Fisher's advice is good. Make the decision that you're not interested in being the one who is charged with reconciling difficult situations. Don't be the one who steps forward when no one else will. Be the one who chooses to live your life from the wisdom of your heart and to live an authentic life, and look for places where you can give without strings attached.